I stand in the same hotel conference room I stood in with my parents 17 months ago. Last year, I had my mom standing to my left in worship, and my dad to my right. Every now and then, they would grab my hands and squeeze them. Tears would roll down our cheeks as we considered the year that was ahead of us, none of us realizing that this would be the last time we would worship standing next to each other on this side of eternity. My mom is now at home, patient and supportive as I head back out to the field. My daddy, well, he’s worshipping in the throne room of heaven.
The band begins to sing “No Longer Slaves”. There’s a line in the song that absolutely hits me:
“I am surrounded, by the arms of a father. I am surrounded by songs of deliverance. We’ve been liberated, from our bondage. We’re the sons and the daughters. Let us sing our freedom.”
Images of last year immediately begin to flood my mind and my senses. I can almost feel my daddy’s hands squeeze mine as they did the last time we worshipped together in this room. I hear his laugh and see the smile of pride on his face. I can hear him whisper to me, “this year is gonna be hard, but I want you to keep going”.
Tears flood down my cheek. I’ve had a lot of tears this past year and a half. But I can feel the difference in these tears from those I shed on the field last year. Because the memories from last launch and the lyrics being sung around me in this room today seem to merge together. My tears were tears of sadness. I’ll miss my daddy for as long as I’m on this earth. But they were also tears of thankfulness. They sprung forth out of the pool of God’s everlasting love that He has poured out on me again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again.
And again.
I had a realization of the father I had lost last year. But I also had a realization of the Father who revealed himself to me in that pain and walks with me still.
And the Holy Spirit brings this truth to the forefront of my mind:
My daddy may not be holding my hand at this launch, but my Heavenly Father is.
It’s funny, I had wanted to do a blog about grief coming home from the race. And God only brought up the healing. Grief will continue as I will never stop missing my daddy. There are still things I’m grieving from my original race as well. But as I stand, worshipping in this room, I feel a sense of completion, as well as newness. Reflecting on the years behind me, preparing for the one ahead of me. God has been good through it all. And He continues to be good through it all.
Just some thoughts I wanted to share. Thank you for reading and walking this journey with me.
With Love,
Meghan
