Grief: Six Months Later

This upcoming month of March will mark 6 months since my Daddy joined our Heavenly Father. I’ve learned a lot in 6 months. I’ve discovered what it looks like to go through grief while being surrounded by community. I’ve learned to give grace to myself and others through this process (and I’m still working on this). One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned though is why grief is a process.

When you lose someone, you’re not only losing a person, you’re losing everything that person was to you. My father. My cheerleader. One of my best friends. My go-to person for advice. My encourager. My compass that pointed me towards God. My favorite person to watch movies and shows with. And most recently, I realized, the person that has been present and integral in every major life event and decision I have ever made.

Since my last post about grief, the tears have slowed. The days spent crying have become less frequent. I am slowly but surely moving forward in this process. I had gone two weeks without so much as a tear, without so much as an inclination to cry, and all of the sudden, a few days ago, I found myself crying again. This wasn’t the usual “I just miss him” kind of sad that usually permits a few tears. This was fresh. This hurt more than usual.

And I’m thinking to myself throughout this entire day, “why?”. Why now? Why am I like this now? I don’t understand what makes today different than any other day. And aside from the fact that emotions, especially when dealing with grief, can show up without warning regardless of what’s going on around us, I realized that day why it was so different from others.

I spent the morning praying about and thinking about the future.

As we are now on our second half of the race (less than four months left!), I am participating in the balancing act of remaining present with my team where I’m at right now, while also thinking about what my plans will be once that final plane touches down in DFW.

This kind of thing typically excites me. I love opportunities. I love how God directs me and leads me. I am often also very optimistic about the future. But this moment in time was a bit different.

You see, the last time I thought seriously about my future, I felt God nudge me to go on this trip called “The World Race”. And when I wanted to tell someone about what I was feeling led to, the first person I called about it was my dad.

I’ve heard the five steps of the grieving process before: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I’ve experienced all of these since laying my Daddy down. But, I think the process of grieving is more than these five words. I may not be an expert in the field, but I would say that it is stupid and naive to think that you can sum up this process in five words. I stopped being angry at God and at my dad months ago, but this day, I felt that anger rise again.

“He was supposed to be here! We were supposed to do this together! He was supposed to be excited about what I wanted to call and tell him! He was supposed to be there for me in this next stage of life just as he was in this one!“

But he isn’t. And he won’t be.

I’ve gotten those frustrations out of my system. I knew the moment I thought about and spoke them out loud that it made no sense to think about what-ifs in a situation that cannot be changed or reversed. I just needed to let it out. Because in this situation, it felt as if I was hearing those words in my head for the first time again: “Meghan, you’re dad passed away yesterday”.

My dad has been present in every single life decision I’ve ever made. He was there for me throughout my entire World Race journey until our Father called him home. In a way, he’s still present in it because my mom and dad wrote letters for me to open every month until July before I left. But after July, there will be no more letters. This part of my life that he was so invested in until the end will be over. Yes, I will take everything he taught me with me into every season the Lord has for me from now on, but his physical presence will no longer be there. And while I’ve accepted that, when I found myself faced with this reality, it hurt.

The grieving process is not only a processing of emotions, but a processing of reality. It is a process in realizing everything that person meant to you and was to you, while simultaneously letting each of those things go and moving forward.

I’m excited for what’s ahead. I’m excited for where I feel God leading me. I know He’s a good God and I know that He is worth my life. I know He loves me unconditionally. I know He calls me by name. I know He holds all of my tears in his hand. And I know one day they will all be wiped away.

But until then, I’ll let the tears flow when they need to. I’ll move forward in confidence and strength that is not my own. And I find rest in the One who never passes away, and in the One who I can go to for anything at anytime. He is my Father too, and while my daddy was pretty great, this Father of mine is perfect. And He’s with me, and will be with me in every season He has for me until we meet face to face.

And while tears may continue to fall over time, it is because of who my Heavenly Father is, that I rejoice.

With So Much Love,
Meghan