I Am Not a Burden

Healing is something that happens over time. That’s something I’ve learned a lot about this past year and a half. However, there are sometimes when I feel like I’m in a good place of acceptance and joy, and then, all of the sudden, feelings will hit me out of nowhere. What? I thought I dealt with this already. I thought I had this talk with God already. I thought I was over this by now.

Nope. There’s still healing that God wants to take us deeper into.

And that’s okay.

I often feel like once I hit a point of acceptance and peace, then the thing that once bothered me should no longer be bothering me. And to some extent, that’s true. However, there are times when the issue comes back up and the feelings tend to come with it.

And when that happens, does that mean that all the healing that took place before never really happened? Well, contrary to what the enemy would have you and I believe, no! That healing did take place and you can rest assured that the Lord is bringing it to completion. In fact, when the issue arises again and when the feelings that come with it seemingly return, usually that just means that the Lord is walking you through another level of healing of whatever it is that keeps coming up.

So. What does this have to do with my last month in Japan?

Well, for the week I was there, I woke up every morning with a lot of emotion welled up within me. But strangely, there was no logical reason for me feeling as much as I was. I just was feeling a lot, unable to understand why. And let me tell you, it is frustrating to feel like you constantly want to cry and you have no earthly idea why it’s happening. In addition, the emotions I was feeling felt very similar to some emotions I expressed on my first race about my dad. And some of the unhealthy tendencies that I would turn to last year in response to my grief would come up again. And I was tempted to ask, “God, didn’t you already address this in me? I don’t want to be an emotional burden to this squad as well!”

And then, Holy Spirit reminded me of a lie that I brought up to my first team in the first month of my race: I am a burden.

I realized in that moment, that though I brought the lie to the surface 17 months ago, and though I have experienced so much healing in regards to vulnerability and interdependency, in the past 17 months, I never declared myself free from that lie.

So, one morning, I felt very strongly to lead a devotion about declarations over the lies. I brought up the lie to my squad. I brought up the emotions and the unhealthy responses to it. I brought up my current emotional status. And I declared in front of all 18 squadmates, our hosts, and now to you, that

I AM NOT A BURDEN. I was made for community and for being loved just as much as I am called to love those around me. I am worthy of being loved and my brokenness is not a burden to those around me, but God chooses to use that brokenness to reveal himself more evidently to those around me.

I don’t know what lies the enemy is having you believe right now, but I encourage you to declare that you are free from them because of God in you. And if you ever think that your mistakes disqualify you from God’s presence and promises, consider Peter:

“Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, where are you going?” Jesus answered him, “Where I am going you cannot follow me now, but you will follow afterward.” Peter said to him, “Lord, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.” Jesus answered, “Will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly, I say to you, the rooster will not crow till you have denied me three times.”

Reread that passage again, and this time, focus on the first sentence that Jesus speaks to Peter, rather than the second.

Jesus knew all too well of Peter’s denial in his time of need, not once, not twice, but three times on the night of his crucifixion. But He still called Peter to follow him afterwards, before Peter denied him once. Jesus’ forgiveness and love and grace is more powerful than our mistakes. He still calls us to him regardless of the things we have done.

And what about Peter? What if he had chosen to allow himself to be known as the man who denied Jesus three times. What if he spent the rest of his life feeling like he was never forgiven of that sin? Well, if that were the case, we would not have the first two verses of 2 Peter:

“Simeon Peter, A SERVANT AND APOSTLE OF JESUS CHRIST, to those who have obtained a faith of equal standing with ours by the righteousness of OUR GOD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST: May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of JESUS OUR LORD.”

Before Peter begins this letter, he declares himself a servant of Jesus not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES.

Talk about redemption.

This is a man who knew well of his mistakes, but who also received the grace and calling of a loving God who took on the cross and rose from the grave to cover each and every one of them. So, rather than remain fixated on the night of the crucifixion, Peter looks to the resurrection, and the reality that came with it:

We are forgiven by God. We are redeemed by God. We are chosen by God. And regardless of our past, we are called by God to follow him!

So today, I encourage you to ask God how he sees you and your mess. I promise, He only looks at you with love and never with contempt.