My Greatest Lesson on the Race

As I begin to transition into what is next, I feel it would be best to finally put into words what this last year meant to me. I want to apologize to several people for not updating as often as I hoped I would. Therefore, I want to begin this reflection by saying that I am more than open to an email exchange, a phone call, a coffee “date”, or any context for conversation to discuss more details about the year. I struggled to write often because I did not feel comfortable writing about some of the ministries we worked with (for the sake of the continuation of their ministry). I also struggled as a lot of what we did was seen and experienced through the lens of grief on my part and writing about it outside of my journal tended to be mentally and emotionally exhausting. However, as I have had a few months to process this past year, I feel that I am finally able to express more clearly just how God used this trip to change my life.

And I want to emphasize that it was God, not a trip, that changed my life, that did so many amazing things, and that chose to use 24 average people to love these nations so extraordinarily.

As I look back on this year, I am overwhelmed by the patience and goodness of God. I am also convinced that He is not the silent overlooking judge sitting on a throne in the sky that part of myself honestly thought He was before I left. No, He speaks today. He is present in the darkest of places, in the most hopeless of circumstances. He cares about every detail, not just the big picture. I know this because my race was made up of so many individual moments, some marked by sadness, some by immense joy and laughter, others by reflection and peace, and every single one by the overwhelming presence of my Heavenly Father.

However, to go into each individual one in a single blog would be madness. Therefore, I’m going to sum up all these moments in a single story. This moment took place while I was in Kazakhstan, and I have honestly tried to sit down and write about it many times, even while I was still on the field; however, I never felt like I could finish it until now:

WHEN I AM WEAK…

It was our first week in Kazakhstan and we were working with a men’s rehab shelter and a homeless ministry. This week was one of my favorite weeks, but also one of the hardest. We literally hit the ground running into ministry straight from a 10-day travel period (read about that experience HERE), so we were lacking rest. We were in our 8^th month on the field, so we were just exhausted period from the strain of traveling for 8 months. And the men’s rehab shelter reminded me everyday of my daddy, who overcame his alcoholic addiction 24 years before his passing. And every day we got home, all I wanted to do was tell him about this ministry that I knew he would be so enthusiastic to hear about.

All of these factors came to the surface one morning, about an hour before I was supposed to teach a Bible lesson to these men. As I was eating breakfast, I felt the tears come, so I immediately excused myself to the bathroom, and honestly just sat and cried for several minutes. As I sat there, I was overwhelmed by anger, by fear, by questions. Why did God call me to the field? Why did my dad have to pass away? How could I possibly have any more left to give in the remaining months of my time on the field when I felt so empty?

I honestly wasn’t expecting an answer right away, but God gave me one anyway.

My squad leader, Emily came and sat with me and talked with me, and as we were talking, I literally felt all my energy, all my physical strength, leave my body. It was weird, and I can’t explain it as anything else but Jesus. As I sat there, I tried to get up, but I physically could not. Then, I heard a voice. It wasn’t audible, it was just in my mind, but they were so incredibly clear I could not deny the Holy Spirit. He spoke to me, saying, “This is how strong you are apart from me… Everything you have done, everything good you have been a part of on this journey has not been by your strength but by Mine. Trust in Me.”

As that truth set in, so did my strength as I began to stand up. So, I dried my tears, and with puffy eyes, I walked into the room and began to teach. I can’t remember what all I talked about, but apparently, according my team, it was a great lesson and they all felt it was what the men needed to hear. I was especially encouraged when one man spoke up and said that God had used that lesson to encourage him in his own faith.

And I take no credit for any of that. If it were up to me and my strength, I would’ve remained on that bathroom floor. But, thankfully, it isn’t up to me, or to you, or to any one person to do anything for the kingdom. God merely asks us to say yes, and He’ll take it from there.

And that is the greatest lesson I learned through this entire journey. Trusting God is not a passive thing. It’s an active and intentional choice to say yes to God, regardless of what He is asking, and regardless of how equipped you feel. On my own, I wasn’t strong enough or capable enough to talk to refugees in Paris, to share the Gospel in homes in Jordan, to teach a bunch of men living in an alcoholic rehabilitation home in Kazakhstan, to teach English to high school students in Kyrgyzstan, or to share my faith in a taxi in Mongolia. All of that, and so much more, is because of Jesus. Because Jesus came through on his promise to always be with me.

So I encourage y’all. Trust in God. And I don’t just mean with your words. Abraham never saw the nation God told him about, but it came to be because He chose to trust in God with not only his words, but his obedience as well (minus a few hiccups, but thank goodness for grace, huh?). Just as Abraham lived his life, to truly trust in God means to move forward where He has called you to, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of what you believe you are capable of. Because it has never been and will never be about you or me.

It always has, and always will be about God and God in us.

And guess what??? God used you too! Because of the financial support of friends and family, I was able to complete my time on the field and be a part of all that God is doing all over the world. Because of your obedience in giving, God used these resources to bring the gospel in some of the most unreached parts of the globe. I can’t say where we were in Kazakhstan, but my team found out that we were the first foreign missionaries to ever go to the town we served in (at least to the knowledge of our hosts). Y’all made that happen! I got to share the gospel with families in Jordan. Y’all made that happen! My teammates and I had the opportunity to share with a taxi driver in Mongolia. He was given a Bible and contact information for a local church! Once again, y’all made that happen.

Thank you for giving your “yes” and for supporting me on this journey. I encourage y’all to be on the look out for more blog posts, including an announcement of what’s next.

Thanks for reading!