Forgive Me

I’m writing this blog to my mom. I’m writing it to my brothers and all of my family. I’m writing it to my church body at home. To every person I’ve ever called my friend. To my supporters and encouragers. To Z-Squad and every teammate I had last year. To T Squad, and my teammates now.

This is me admitting that I’ve failed. This is me admitting that I don’t love others as well as I always boast I do. This is me laying my weaknesses and insecurities bare to each and every one of you reading this. 

But, this also me choosing to find hope even as I stand amidst the rubble of all the mistakes I’ve made in my relationships with others.

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” – John 15:12-13

This verse is so poetic, it really is no wonder that it is quoted so often by believers, and even unbelievers, around the world. And for 26 years, I thought I understood it: Do whatever it takes. Sacrifice your desires and wants. Put others before yourself. Love others more than yourself, so much that you would die for them. 

You see, I’ve always interpreted this verse to strictly be about actions. We demonstrate our love by what we’re willing to do for others. And I don’t think that that is completely wrong, but let me tell you,This narrow-minded view of love has kept me from truly loving the people around me the way that Jesus does.

I do more to please others rather than love them. I spend time impressing others rather than inviting them into my space. I do a great job of making everything appear nice without actually putting any thought to how I can serve those around me. 

And then, when people don’t respond the way I want them to, I find every reason to give up. I choose to make something spoken out in innocence into something offensive. I choose to be bitter when I don’t feel pursued (even though I’m making no real effort to pursue others as well). I choose to compare myself to others and root relationships in envy. 

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.“ – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

And on the flip side, if people do respond in ways that truly reflect the love of Christ, I hesitate. I refuse to believe them genuine. I back off, waiting for that eventual moment when they will choose to no longer want to be my friend (all lies). So what do I do? I soften the blow by keeping them at arms-length, no matter how many times they try to get closer. I cancel plans. I hesitate to talk to them about the deep things. I don’t talk to them unless they first talk to me. 

I realize how all of this sounds. It’s a lot of ugliness. It’s a lot of selfishness. It’s a lot of fear and insecurities. But this is reality. This is how I’ve chosen to conduct my relationships with every person I know for the past 26 years. 

And for that, I ask your forgiveness. You are worth being pursued by true love. Love that isn’t afraid to show vulnerability or weakness. Love that lets you into their space, even when things aren’t picked up or neatly put together. Love that truly lays down one’s life.

These past few weeks, the Lord has transformed my view of John 15:13. Sure, actions are a beautiful way to convey love. As we are celebrating this weekend, Jesus became a literal example of what that verse means. But there is so much more to it than that.

If Jesus came only to die, He could’ve done so without investing so much in the people around him. He didn’t have to call those fishermen from their boats. He didn’t have to enjoy Passover and share the first communion with his disciples. He didn’t have to spend time in homes with people. He didn’t have to wash the disciples’ feet. He also didn’t have to let Peter, James and John see him in his most vulnerable emotional state the night of his arrest. 

But He did.

Jesus not only physically laid down his life for the world, He laid down His life every single day. 

Knowing that he would be betrayed. Knowing that the same people calling “Hosanna” would be calling for his crucifixion. Knowing that his best friend would deny him three times in his greatest hour of need. 

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” – 1 John 4:18

Jesus demonstrates a perfect love. He knew he would be betrayed, but He did not allow fear to keep Him from loving the people around Him. And how often have I done this to the people I claim to love in this life? I love only as much as I am comfortable doing so because of the FEAR that I will be left. 

That’s not love. That’s not faith. That’s not Truth. That’s all lies and I refuse to live life loving others at a distance. 

Because that isn’t love at all.

When Jesus was resurrected, He was the one who revealed himself to the disciples, his closest friends who left him to die.

But He didn’t come to condemn them. He came to forgive them. And then He actually drew them closer to the Father’s heart than they ever thought possible.

That’s grace. That’s love. And that‘s what Jesus died for. 

So I ask your forgiveness for not loving you the way Jesus loves you. I am on my knees, seeking the Father’s heart for each and every person around me. I will not use actions to prove myself loving anymore, but I will choose to rest in God’s love in such a way that it overflows to those around me. 

I hope you will walk with me on this journey.