Grief: Spiritual Warfare

This is the blog I have been dreading to start since first being convicted about writing about grief. After all, where do you even begin with spiritual warfare in general? And how in the world do you apply this topic to an already loaded topic such as grief, especially when I am still in the midst of navigating through it?

I’ll first start by saying that when I first came back to the race, the main thing I faced was constant lies from the enemy. Thoughts come across my mind:

What is WRONG with me?
Why can’t I do this one simple thing?
I am a burden.
I am alone.
I am selfish for needing people so much.
I am weak.
I’m not deserving of love.

Each of these lies on their own is a battle, but to be hit with different ones constantly throughout the day is a whole other issue. It felt like I was just being hit with rapid fire lie-bullets from the enemy and even though I knew they were lies, they stung every time and built up on one another. And then I made a mistake: I started believing them. I started withdrawing. I started thinking horribly about myself and my team.

But in the midst of this as well, I was still encouraged to seek the Lord all the more through it. I had trouble listening to His voice, but I still asked for it. I had trouble being around people, but I still wanted to be with my team. And even at my worst, my team was there for me, telling me that I am NOT a burden, that I AM deserving of love and reminding me that God is NOT going anywhere. He is always right beside me.

So, how did I deal with these lies? I asked Papa for Truth:

I have a purpose and an inheritance (Ephesians 1:11-12)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13)
I am the workmanship of Christ (Ephesians 2:10)
God will never leave me nor forsake me (Joshua 1:5)
I was made for community (John 17:21-22)
God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
God calls me worthy of love (1 John 4:9-10)

These verses are specific to myself, but I encourage you, if you are hearing any lies yourself, speak Truth over them. Declare that you are worthy of love. Declare that you are covered by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and therefore have all access to Him (Hebrews 13:20-21). Resist the devil and he will flee (James 4:7)!

These have been hard lessons to learn, and I am still learning them, but oh my word there is so much freedom in living in Truth.

On the first day of the Camino de Santiago, 13 days before Daddy passed away, I asked God what He wanted me to focus on, what Scripture He wanted me to meditate on. It didn’t make sense to me at the time, but I got Psalm 23:

“He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

This chapter has meant so much to me throughout this entire process. It has reminded me time and time again that the Lord only has goodness for me. Not that it will always be easy. Not that I get everything I want, but that He gives more of Himself to me as I seek it and ask for it and He has been FAITHFUL to provide. Because with Him comes peace. With Him comes joy. With Him comes rest. With Him comes a love that is incomparable to anything else.

So I encourage you, seek Him with everything, even in the hard things. If you are hearing lies, write them down, then write down Truths of Scripture to combat them. And talk to Him, listen to Him throughout the entire process. He, more than anything else, is our greatest comfort, our greatest strength. Do I still cry often? Absolutely. But I am not defeated. I am not a burden. I am not weak.

I am a child of God (John 1:12). I am victorious in Christ (1 Corinthians 15:57). I am made strong in God (2 Corinthians 12:10). I am perfectly and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Jesus has taken my every burden upon Himself (Matthew 11:28-30) and for the JOY set before Him endured the cross for my sake (Hebrews 12:2).

And I have everything I need in Him to keep going through the good and through the bad (2 Peter 1:3).