I Had a Panic Attack on Stage

I almost didn’t want to write this post, as I have so much on my plate this week that it’s hard to keep track of. I must be losing my mind for taking time away from the 25+ pages of writing that I have to complete before the end of next week. But I felt in my heart that this needed to be said.

I had a panic attack on stage yesterday morning.

I was giving announcements to the ministry I work in and as I was going through my card, I kept losing focus. My heart began beating fast in my chest. I stumbled over words and could barely get any of them out. Without warning, I began shaking and losing my breath as I was speaking. The worst part? All of this was happening center stage, in front of everyone. There was no hiding it. There was no one standing next to me to cover for me. It was all there for everyone to witness. I walked off of stage and tears began to fall from my eyes, not because I was upset or embarrassed, but because the panic started to take over even more. I’m thankful that that didn’t happen on stage, but students and leaders alike were still all there to witness it before I walked to the bathroom to wait it out and calm down. As my breathing slowed and the tears stopped falling, I just sat in there, thanking God that it wasn’t a bad one and that it didn’t last very long. 

Anxiety is something fairly new that I’m learning to deal with. While I think I’ve had some form of it in the past, it didn’t really kick into gear until last year. Circumstances at this time last year led me to have periods of extreme nervousness, shortness of breath, chest pains, and the occasional panic attack. It was something new that I had never experienced before and it scared me. Thoughts flooded my mind:

What if I’m always like this?

How am I going to minister to people if I have to deal with this?

Am I doing something wrong? Is something wrong with me?

All of these thoughts and more seemed to take over my life. And the most difficult part? I even began to doubt my standing with God. I began to believe that lie that God could never use someone as broken as me to reach anyone. I lost sleep. I began to have fears, crazy fears that I knew didn’t make sense but were present none the less.

Then one day, I had a dream. I lay down to nap in my bed and I don’t even realize that I’m asleep when my dream begins. It felt so real. In my dream, I was in my bed, just as I was in reality, in the same sleeping position and everything. Then, all of the sudden, something got on top of me. I couldn’t see anything, but something kept forcefully pushing me down into the bed. I struggled and struggled, but it felt like the more I fought it, the harder it was to breathe and the further down I was pushed. For some reason, I knew that I couldn’t let this thing beat me. I knew that I had to get up out of bed somehow, but as I began to lose strength, it became more and more hopeless. Until I heard a voice.

“Don’t give up. Trust in me, and I will fight for you.”

After I heard that voice, I felt my strength come back to me. I began to recite Scripture out loud in my dream and as this was happening, I got stronger. I pushed and I pushed until I was able to sit up. I pulled my legs and felt them touch the floor. In one final, struggle, I fought against the force until I was able to stand up. I was only standing, but I felt victorious and excited. However, I knew that I wasn’t the one who overcame whatever it was trying to hold me down. It was in that moment that I woke up, completely dazed, trying to grasp what had just happened while I was asleep.

As I tried to wrap my head around what I had just experienced, I began to think, “Isn’t it funny that this entire ordeal took place in my bed?” My bed. The most comfortable place in the house. The place that symbolizes comfort and peace is the very place that I almost suffocated in in my dream.

As I thought about this, I remembered that Satan wants you to be comfortable. More than anything, he wants you to settle in life. He goes out of his way to convince you that there’s no point in fighting. There’s no point in talking to that person about Christ. There’s no point in doing ministry. You are broken. You are weak. You are of no value to God. You might as well do only the things you’re comfortable with because you’ll never be able to overcome your fears or anxious thoughts. These are the lies I was beginning to believe. I was feeling so suffocated by my anxiety that I thought that there was no point in fighting it anymore.

Thank Jesus I didn’t give in to those temptations or thoughts.

That dream reminded me that when I am weak, He is strong. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to be weak. In fact, the Bible is filled with very weak, very broken people who God used to do some amazing things. Paul, the very man who wrote those words through the power of the Holy Spirit, was a mess without Jesus.

Yesterday, I had a panic attack. On stage. In the spotlight. In front of everyone. It wasn’t the worst one I have experienced, and I was able to play it off as just nervousness or stress (at least I think), but it was the first one I have had in several months. However, once I composed myself, I felt a peace. I was reminded of those sweet words spoken to me in my dream “Trust in me.”

Do I ever want to experience that again? Absolutely not. It is not fun to have your anxieties on display for everyone to see. However, strangely enough, I’m glad it happened because I needed to be reminded of what it truly means to rely on God.

A year ago, this experience would have mortified me. I would have questioned my call to go on the World Race immediately, doubting I could ever speak in front of  or to people for fear of that happening again. However, I found myself strengthened by it. Not my strength, but God’s. This experience doesn’t disqualify me from ever going up on stage again. This experience doesn’t mean I’m not cut out for speaking to others. This experience DOES however remind me to give everything into God’s hands. I’m too weak to handle everything by myself, and I’m okay with that. Because when I am weak, then I am strong.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

If you have ever experienced God’s strength in your weakness, or need prayer for something similar, please comment below! Please continue to pray as I prepare to go on the World Race in January and if you would like to support my trip financially, please click on the “Support Me” tab at the top of my blog page. God bless!