As I sit down to write down this blog, I smile as Good, Good Father plays on the speakers in my favorite coffee shop. It’s like He wanted to reassure me just once more that He is a good Father who knows everything I go through and walks with me in both the mountains and the valleys. What a wonderful Savior and friend I have in Jesus. I smile listening to this song today, but a year ago, I struggled connecting with it. I was going through one of the deepest valleys I have ever walked through, one in which the enemy constantly seemed leapt out of the darkness to tell me over and over that I was alone, and that I wasn’t worth God’s love.
If you know me or have read some of my blogs, you may be aware that I used to suffer from extreme, dark nightmares that attacked my mind and my identity. However, I never really gave details or explained just how God picked me up out of it.
It all started back in mid-2015. I went to sleep just like any other night, however, I found myself waking up in a sweat from what I had just witnessed in my dreams. I’ve had nightmares before, but this was different. This was dark. This was evil. Without going into too much of the gore, I saw a lot of blood and death. Graphically. I woke up and had trouble going back to sleep, but thought that those thoughts and images would disappear in a day or two. But they happened again the next night. Then the night after that. Then the night after that.
I would have some nights of peace, but they would return with full force eventually. They terrified me. I would go to bed later and later. A lot of people look forward to laying down on their bed to sleep, but for me there would be no rest. Only war.
These nightmares would occur over the course of a month. By then, I lost all comfort even in the daylight. I found that my heart was constantly palpitating from the constant fear that seized control over my mind. Headaches were frequent. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep I was getting but I also did my best to avoid sleep at all cost. I even had to stop watching certain television shows, shows that I have watched for years without a problem, because even the mention of death would set off the heart palpitations. My chest and my head were constantly in pain.
To add to all of this, I didn’t tell anyone what was happening. I believed the lie that I would be rejected. That no one would want to be friends with someone who had dreams of such horrible things. I believed the lie that I was having these dreams because I was a horrible person myself. I also believed the lie that God could not save me.
So I shrunk back. I stopped talking to friends as much. I went to work and pretended that everything was fine. But I knew that it wasn’t.
Fortunately, I was still part of a small Bible study group at that time. And one night, I just broke down. Tears filled my eyes as I shared about the nightmares and about my fears. They all responded with complete love and prayed over me. That ended up being the first night in which I experienced complete peace in over two months.
But the battle was not done. The nightmares returned, but this time I had people that I could share with. This time, I decided that I needed to give these nightmares and these lies over to God. So I did. However, it was not a one-time instance. The Lord helped me to find refuge in His word and through His Spirit. I started the Armor of God study by Priscilla Shirer, who inserted a long list of truths for readers to know. Daily, I would recite these truths of my identity over myself (these are just a few taken from that list in that study):
I am a child of God (John 1:12).
The Holy Spirit lives in me (1 Cor. 3:16).
I am helped by God (Heb. 4:16)
I have Christ’s righteousness (Rom. 5:19, 2 Cor. 5:21)
I am tenderly loved by God (Jer. 31:3)
I am a temple in which God dwells (1 Cor. 3:16)
I am Christ’s friend (John 15:5)
I am a child of the light (1 Thess. 5:5)
I have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16)
I have been rescued from Satan’s domain and transferred into the kingdom of Christ (Col. 1:13)
I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Tim. 1:7)
I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph. 2:18)
I CANNOT BE SEPARATED FROM THE LOVE OF GOD (Rom. 8:35)
There is more to the list, but these were some of the highlights that I would emphasize as I began each day. You probably want me to say that the nightmares went away instantly as did my anxiety. They didn’t. It took months of persistence, personal prayers, prayers from friends and family, counseling, and the final realization that I am not defined by those nightmares, but by Christ. However, while at the time I wanted more than anything for them to stop instantly, as I look back now I realize that I needed those months to rearrange my thinking. To free myself from a sin that I had kept to myself for too long. To once and for all, allow God to have control over my life and my mind because it obviously was falling apart under my jurisdiction.
I struggled writing about this because it’s really personal. It’s one thing to write about having horrible nightmares. It’s another thing entirely to talk about how I responded and how I was affected by them. But I write this today, rejoicing because I am no longer bound by that fear. You may be surprised to know that this morning I had a nightmare that tried to attack my identity once again. However, there was no sweat. There were no heart palpitations. There was no panic. There was no doubt in my mind that I am a daughter of Christ, who goes before me and fights for me (Deut. 31:8, Ex. 14:14).
I didn’t write this blog to freak you out or anything. I didn’t write it to give you a specific formula you have to follow to prepare yourself for your own battle. I wrote this to tell you that should the enemy ever try to attack you and your identity (which he has been known to do on a regular basis), you don’t have to be alone. I have found that admitting that I need prayer is not a sign of weakness. I have seen friends accept me and love me even at my worst when I came to them in my brokenness. I have seen God’s unfailing love and faithfulness lead me out of the wilderness and into the promised land of healing.
If you are in your own version of the wilderness right now, please don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with a brother or sister in Christ. Please don’t be afraid to be vulnerable enough to ask for prayer over that situation and over yourself. Please be honest with God. He is there with you. He is not this far-away being who is too busy. He is ALWAYS with you (Joshua 1:9, Isaiah 41:10, Deut. 31:6, Rom. 8:38-39, Psalm 23:4, Psalm 139:7-10, Zeph. 3:17, Hebrews 4:16) and He know you and your circumstances even more than you do.
One thing that this entire ordeal taught me more than any other, is that God loves me. His love is powerful: “So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:16-18).
Love has the power to cast out all fear. And perfect love is found in Christ alone. Please know that God loves you more than you can imagine. He cares for you more than you know. He is with you always, even when it feels like He isn’t. He wants you to know how loved you are and how important you are to Him. Call out to Him, and He will answer.
I am posting a video of Ellie Holcomb’s song, Wonderfully Made, because I feel it captures that season of my life perfectly. I hope this post and this song has blessed you in some way!
Ps: The Lord has been so faithful in my fundraising and I have many of you to thank for that! I am still $3,000 short of my next financial goal and would love to read that in the next month! I would love for you to partner with me and to help send me to the nations to share this love that Jesus has lavished upon his children with those who have never even heard his name. If you would like to donate, click the “Donate!” bar above. If you’re interested but still have some questions that you would like me to answer, please, feel free to reach out and I’ll buy you a coffee or something! <3
